Frosted windows & Suicidal thoughts

The reality of winter really sets in when the holidays are over. Suddenly we see snow as this hideous yellow-brown colour instead of glistening with sparkles, and the sun just doesn’t shine anymore. And no I don’t mean the crack between your cheeks. I’m talking about winter and how all its gloom and doom reminds me of how challenging it is to live through their thoughts of death – their suicidal thoughts.

Suicide isn’t coffee table talk so naturally, it’s uncommon to hear someone ask, “Hey what are your suicidal thoughts anyways?”

However, a friend of a friend’s suicide attempt will quickly become coffee table talk and neigbourhood gossip. We all love other people’s misery whether it is discussed from a positive or negative perspective. Just look at the Kardashians. Every single one of their faults are magnified for us to gawk at. Or lest we forget Brit Brit when she went “crazy” and shaved her head. You get the point…

We all love to look at others from our frosted window panes and create a number of thoughts, opinions, and conclusion from the comfort of our own homes. Likewise, we remember the people in our lives who have either attempted suicide or sadly, succeeded.. Do you remember your initial opinions? Did you, or do you, ever think, “Suicide is not the answer.” or “Suicide is selfish/cowardly.”  From the opinion of someone who has attempted suicide, I can openly admit that I regret not succeeding. I do not condone committing suicide but hear me out.

My hope is that you try to embody the emotions of someone who is drowning in their depression. From there, you can judge for yourself whether or not it is selfish and cowardly to fantasize, attempt, or commit suicide.

*Cue “This is what you came for” by Calvin Harris featuring Rihanna*
Bay-bee, this is what depression feels like…
Start by putting a light grey film over your eyes.
Everything is a little less colourful.

Now remember the morning after a long night of partying?
You’re so hungover.
How does your body feel? Sore and heavy?
Well that’s how our bodies feel when we’re depressed,
And we didn’t even leave our beds.
We just feel nauseous, and sometimes a lot like puking.

Then deprive yourself of sleep for two straight days.
You might sleep for a million hours after and still wake up groggy,
Because you’re in tremendous sleep debt.
That’s how groggy we feel
Despite laying in bed most of the day,
And sleeping for hours and hours and hours.

Now add 20 pound weights to each ankle.
Try getting out of bed
When your house isn’t so colourful,
With your heavy sore bodies,
And groggy minds.

Try getting out of bed every morning.
This is only morning.
This isn’t even breakfast yet.
Should I try to walk you through the rest of the day?

You know,
The enormous heart attack that comes just meeting a new person,
Just meeting the faces and the hearing the sounds of the voices and the cars.
When the city is made of muted reds, blues, and purples?

Now tell me.

How would you face the world and deal with your problems when suddenly,
your world isn’t so colourful,
your mind is groggy,
your body is sore,
and your food doesn’t taste good.

Every face and sound beyond your walls,
feels like,
a heart attack.

How would you unbind yourself from the 12-point restraint of a magician?
How would you
shower,
exercise,
eat,
breathe,
and see a therapist
when you’re trapped?

Just think about it. Is suicide so selfish and cowardly now? Let me know or keep it to yourself. Either way, this simulation is still not the real deal because it is not an intimate lived experience. A person who has not fantasized, attempted, or committed suicide is only a person looking through frosted window panes.

xoxo,
Joanne

2 Comments Add yours

  1. Lyric A.G. Esparza says:

    Joanne,

    This is a great post: accurate, articulate and necessary. Thanks for being a voice for those of us struggling with mental illness.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks so much. I am thankful for this community everyday so I’m glad my writing can give back too.

      Like

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