Rapid cycling – the quick turnover of depression, anxiety, and hypomania – is the familiar devil that I know and live with. We all have our worst nightmares within us… our flaws and all. But this devil is one that I could happily live without. I try my best to embrace it but it’s gnawing at my flesh during these darker and colder days. I was having such a healthy and fantastic summer that I forgot how it feels to have 6pm feel like 9pm.
Rapid cycling has finally met its match, which is the fear of overcoming my depression, anxiety, and hypomania this winter.
My constant anxiety has woken up all the devils around me, each greeting me through my nightmares and uninterrupted thoughts of worthlessness. Losing my sleep means losing focus of the future too. Losing focus of the future has brought back all the voices. And all the voices brings me right back to where I started… Anxiety, depression, and hypomania.
I’m taught to embrace all of this madness because the despair will only create more insanity but I’m starting to live in a terrible reality show that you can’t stop watching.
Every little thing that goes wrong during the day is like a small splint that cuts my finger, so by the end of the day, my hands are bleeding from all of the usual stressors. I haven’t been shaking off all the hurdles and negativity like I did in the summer. It was sooo easy then. I didn’t even have to process the thought, “This too shall pass.” I’m finding myself slipping further back to step one of my recovery, which was accepting all that I couldn’t change.
The devils are dancing around me and have chained me to a tree by the fire pit.
I’m in hot hot shit and it feels like it’ll only be a matter of time before I burn again. I swear… I’m trying to be positive but I know myself best and I know what my gut is telling me. I can only put my best attitude on, remember to take my medications on time, and hope for the best this winter. I think to myself, “There are good days and then there are bad days.” Currently, my bad days outweigh the good days tenfold.
Today, I’m not sorry that I couldn’t end this with a positive spin because I know there are so many of you who fear the same fears, and who believe in what you know. And in doing so, I would like to validate your depression, anxiety, and hypomania for whatever reasons are yours. I’d like to remind you, again, that you know yourself best and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.