Lost and lost-er?

I know lost-er isn’t a word but the nonsensical nature of the it describes exactly how I’ve felt the past 3 months and encapsulates my absence from this blog. I’ve been hibernating and trying my best to heal my body and mind but, without getting into details, I’ve had to train like an olympian hurdler. The challenges just never seemed to stop.

What I see now is that these challenges were wrapped with blankets upon blankets of anxiety and it’s only now that I have the chance to uncover them.

The skill level required to uncover these complex layers are ironically far from having to train like some olympian hurdler that needs to overcome the challenges and barriers. All I have to do is play and see life again like a brand new puppy would. Oh, and mixed with the activity level of some sort of part-time couch potato-blob.

Since we are all humans, here is how I imagine what a new puppy would think:

  1. I love to do this! Walks! Tennis ball! Sleep! Food! Nommmmmm nom nom.
  2. Aw man, I don’t like doing this…
  3. Back to step 1.

Then I wrote this all down and tried to practice it but it is so hard for someone like me to just indulge in the things that simply make me happy. Not that I’m trying to sabotage my own happiness on a daily basis, but I often replace all these things with the “have to-dos” that don’t need to be done right away. All I think of is “But what if I don’t do it…” and the answer is always “Then nothing” but it doesn’t feel inconsequential.

Instead, I bully myself into doing them, then set unrealistic expectations, then spiral into anxiety, which manifests into depression, which then destabilizes my mood over time, leading to terrible sleep and later, layers of other bipolar symptoms.

I’m really good at this and I’m not proud of it anymore. I used to think that this sort of efficiency was superior to those who procrastinated often, but maybe there is something else to it. Maybe there is more self love, compassion, and forgiveness. Maybe it’s time for me to start using the new puppy lens to see life again.

So where have I been you ask? Buried under a layer of rocks named psychosis, anxiety, and depression. Currently in process of polishing myself back into a gem.


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