Lost and lost-er?

I know lost-er isn’t a word but the nonsensical nature of the it describes exactly how I’ve felt the past 3 months and encapsulates my absence from this blog. I’ve been hibernating and trying my best to heal my body and mind but, without getting into details, I’ve had to train like an olympian hurdler….

Home is where the heart is

It’s true when they say home is where the heart is, and I only discovered this after walking away from my home to make one of the biggest adult decisions yet. I moved in with my in-laws to save for a home because Toronto real estate is unbelievably expensive. I didn’t know that saving for…

Better at being Bipolar

Much like life right now, I’m writing to you guys without a “topic” to discuss, or any direction for that matter. I’m writing just because. And I’m realizing that maybe the most courageous act I’m accomplishing right now is simply letting go. I’ve been walking through life without any real intent or destination because I’m…

A Prisoner to Pills

“Things get better.” and they do… they just never go away though, at least not without a price. You can’t run from who you are, but you can hope that the shit storm you’re in “gets better” so it’s an easier pill to swallow. As I’ve slowly recovered from my most recent suicide attempt four…

What is rapid cycling?

I realized this morning, after 5 hours of sleep, that I talk about rapid cycling but I never explain what it really is. To truly understand what rapid cycling is means that you have to know someone who has been through it. And well… maybe I’m the only person you know. But if I’m not…

Alternative mindfulness

I learned this formula when I began my mindfulness journey –> mindfulness equals meditation, which is why I tried to be a zen yogi at first. I immediately enforced this rule when I was hospitalized a few years ago. I’d lay out a towel on the floor and meditate with my legs crossed for 20…

The “Complain” Train

Misery loves company so it’s easy to be caught up in a cyclone of negativity, especially on social media. This sparked my attention while I was on Reddit – someone asked other users to share their positive happy endings living with a mental health illness in the Bipolar Disorder group. It became crystal clear how…

Mental freedom

There’s a constant buzzing in my head that doesn’t go away. It’s not the steady buzz from cute furry bumble bees, it’s not white noise, and it’s not the usual voices I hear. They’re just conversations between people and myself. For example, I’ll walk by someone with nice shoes and wonder to myself where she…

Beyond hospital walls

Managing a chronic illness outside of institutions like hospitals aren’t easy. Every single moment of your life is touched when your journey with a chronic illness like bipolar disorder begins or flares up again. There isn’t a time machine that will zap you back to where you were before it. And the truth is that…

The truth behind recovery

Anyone living with a chronic illness is familiar with the phrase, “relapse and recovery”. That’s how it goes. It’s a series of small wins and loses that are tucked in between giant hurricanes that can consume our whole lives. And bipolar disorder is exactly that. I’ve finally dug my way out of the rapid cycling…

Safe in Sing Sing

Some people spend their whole lives searching for a soulmate. I have been spending mine looking for the perfect Dr. Mario and Luigi (or Therapist Luigi in this case). I never thought these words would come out of my mouth… but there is something really comforting about being on the mental health unit in my hospital. Old…